"Little Johnny" is a very unusual boy! A 13 year old or so--going on 30!

Little Johnny and his grandfather were sitting talking when he asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, little Johnny asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, little Johnny studied his grandfather, as well as his own reflection in the mirror. At last, little Johnny spoke up, "You know, Grandpa, God is doing a much better job lately."

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the chalk board. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. The teacher turned quickly and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom!" she yelled. "I don't want to see you in this class for three days!"

The teacher turned back to the chalkboards. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboards. Suddenly, there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She turned quickly and asked, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for in this class for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, the teacher dropped the chalkboards eraser when she turned around again. So, she bent over to pick it up. This time, there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. The teacher turned quickly, only to find little Johnny leaving the classroom. "And, where do you think you're going, little Johnny?"

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Little Johnny's father was concerned about his thirteen year old son's preoccupation with breasts. The boy would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper "Hey, Dad, look at the knockers on that one!"

Johnny's father finally decided to take the boy to a psychiatrist. The doctor assured him that just one day's intensive therapy could cure Johnny. When the session was over, father and son walked several blocks to a bus stop. Little Johnny remained silent as they passed several pretty girls.

As they boarded the bus, the father was inwardly complimenting the psychiatrist. Then Johnny tugged at his sleeve and whispered "Hey, Dad, look at the tight butt on the bus driver!"

Everyday at school Johnny would take all the other third grade kids lunch money by gambling.

Johnny's parents and teacher were concerned about the gambling problem.

One day Johnny bet the teacher twenty-five dollars that she had a mole on her Butt.

The teacher knew that there was no mole, so she jerked up her dress and pulled down her panties and took the twenty-five dollars, convinced that the loss of a large amount of money would stop the gambling.

The teacher called Johnny's father to tell him the content of the bet and that she had won.

Johnny's father replied in a defeated voice, "Johnny bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he would see your Butt before the day was over."

Little Johnny was loved by his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, but, when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday.

He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would follow Little Johnny to school, at a distance behind him that he
would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Little Johnny as he walked to school with Billy. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Billy noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally, he said to Little Johnny, "Have you noticed that
lady following us all week? Do you know her?"

Little Johnny nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is."

Billy said, "Well who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest, my neighbour." Little Johnny said.

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she---and why is she following us?" asked Billy.

"Well, she's only following me." Little Johnny explained, "Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Little Johnny finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

Little Johnny runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands little Johnny five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands Johnny another five dollars.

He says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.

Later, Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"
Little Johnny says, quite honestly, "No."

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"

Again he answers, "No."

She spreads her legs spread-eagled across the bed and asks him the same question again, "Now do you know what I want?"

Little Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole bed to yourself."


Little Suzy raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked if her grandmother could have a baby. The teacher was a bit surprised at the question but answered that the grandmother was too old to have babies.

"So what about my mother?" asked Little Suzy. The teacher said that it was possible, but that her mother was probably getting too old to be having babies as well.

"Well, then could I have a baby?" she wanted to know.

"Goodness no!" said the teacher, "you are much too young."

"See!" yelled Little Johnny from the back of the classroom, "I told you YOU didn't have anything to worry about!"

Little Johnny had a next door neighbor, Little Susie.

They had been telling everyone that they were going to get married. One day Susie's Dad was mowing his yard and saw Little Johnny playing next door.

He called the boy over to the fence, and said, "Johnny, I hear that you're going to marry my daughter." Johnny said, "Yes, Sir. We're gonna get married." Susie's father asked, "How do you intend to support yourselves?"

Johnny answered, "We have it all figured out. I make 75 cents a week, and she makes 50 cents a week. We can cover it."

Susie's father continued with the questioning and asked, "But what about kids?" Johnny responded, "Oh, we've been lucky so far."

Little Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Edna, "my God, you're ugly, aren't you!" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "how can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her!

Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so ugly."

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents. When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered.

"Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

"Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied.

"Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Little Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

 
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