Frozen Butt

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays.......
This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly frozen against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme co ld. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing... this is a whole new definition of being "pissed off."

Makes you Wonder

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Invaluable Tips

 1. A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

And my personal favorite...

6. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator

Overworked

 For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

If Microsoft Built Cars

 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press

release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

 Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 
EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY NEED TO KNOW BUT ARE INTERESTING...

1- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4- The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6- There are more chickens than people in the world.
7- The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
8- On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9- All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13- There are only 4 words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17- In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19- The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
20- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
21- A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23- The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24- In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27- There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29- A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30- A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31- Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honor of his brother.
It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
34- Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35- Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36- Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37- If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38- Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40- The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter in the English language.
41- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43- The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left. So is Glenelg.
44- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first-class.
46- The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47- Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population
of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48- "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49- No president of the United states was an only child.
And last and definitely most important:
50- The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it. Yummo...........

 
 I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse manure.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

 
 
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